Waiting Outside The Lines

I can't think of any appropriate title. Sorry. But I think this will do.
Anyway.
Nobody cares. Literally, as in literally. To tell you the truth, I hate to be alone.
Where I go into a state where I overthink so many thoughts that shouldn't show up. I can't help it.
I've always been alone.  That's what I always feel. Even if I'm with my friends or in our house. I do feel alone.
I'm getting used to it you know. Just like Gotye's song called Somebody That I Used To Know, there is this phrase that says, "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness". I consider being alone a type of sadness.
Well, I get sad when I feel alone. The fact that no one actually cares. I think there is some who cares, but I feel numb to it.
Maybe I'm numb?
I don't know. I'm lost too. And I still can't help myself. It sucks you know. It really sucks.

I will try to get used to this kind of sadness, being alone.
Maybe get addicted to it someday.

Read your minds

In our workshop, we have an awesome teacher. Well, maybe extraordinary, something like that. He can read our minds, read what we feel, everything, but not our future. I'll put a lists on what he said about me, all that he knows. But I know deep inside, I know he knows what I do really feel.


"Ma-pride kang tao, pero na-cocontrol mo."         Yeah. Haha. I know how to control my pride. But sometimes, I just simply can't control especially when playing games or like, 'pagalingan'.

"Ayaw mo na pinapakialaman ang mga gamit mo."         Yep. That's true.

"Hindi kayo nagkakasundo ng mga kapatid mo."         Always. They always quarrel everytime especially my two younger brothers who always fight almost every minute.

"Hindi naman ganon ka-complicated ang sitwasyon ng pamilya niyo. Pero dumating na sa punto na mas gusto mong tumira nalang sa ibang pamilya."         Okay, whenever I'm at my bestfriend's house. I'm always there recently. I love their family. They're all so happy together. I'm kinda jealous you know. I want to treat them like they're my parents, and my sister. I'm just too shy to show it. I feel like I do have a sister that time and a real parents, not seperated. But I can't, I do have my own family. And I can't change that.

"Mga type mong babae, hindi ganun kagandahan. Pero maganda naman ang kalooban."         Exactly. He got me. That's what I always look up to.

"Natatakot kang manligaw."        Haha. Yeah. That's true. I have a reason for that. You'll see.

"Hinahanap mo sa babae yung walang flaws, yung perfect. Kung hindi perfect, gusto mo gawing perfect."          You know what, I guess this is the reason why. I just don't know it at all. 'Yung biglang nawawala nalang ako, tapos di alam kung anong dahilan kung bakit'. This is somehow connected to why I don't try to court someone so easily.

"Minahal mo siya, pero nasaktan ka sa huli. Iba ang tingin niya saiyo at iba rin ang tingin mo sa kanya."         Haha. That's true. Very true. I won't tell much about this. Let's keep it private. Lol.

"Eto si Dan, grabe to magmahal, wagas. Parang si Tius rin, takot nga lang manligaw."         Idk if this is true or what. Lol. But yeah, when I'm inlove I care for that person so much. Okay, next next. Haha.

"Moody ka e, control lang dun."        I think I am. I just don't realize it. Sometimes I suddenly get silent out of nowhere. Thinking out of something out of this world. I'm random. Yeah. Moody.

That's all I can remember. I forgot the other ones he said. I don't mind if someone can read me. The truth is, I like it. I don't know much about myself. I'm lost. 'hindi ko pa kilala ang sarili ko hanggang ngayon'.

End of story.

I'm lost

I can't help it. I have no one to share my problems. I have this habit that I don't share what I feel to anyone, not even to my family members. I always keep it inside of me. I'm full of unexplainable thoughts right now. I'm lost. I'm blogging this one out because, idk. I feel like this is the nicest way to share what I feel right now. I don't care if someone will read this. Sorry.

I pretend to put a smile on my face everyday, but behind this mask is full of fuck. I lie to everyone saying I feel good and no problem at all. I just don't want anyone to worry about me.

Let's see. Well. I give up. I don't know what to do anymore. Fuck man.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FULL OF FUCKING FLYING FUCK, JUST TOTAL FUCK.
(sorry for the inappropriate word)

I just want to disappear, as soon as possible. I know it's kind of a fucked up logic right? But that's what I keep on thinking since then. One day, I had this idea of how about killing myself? Fucked up logic again right? I know. But I can't help it. Well, at least It didn't happened. And I will never think of doing it again. I hope so. Lol. I want to get hit by a car or something. Or just die in an accident. Hmm. Heart attack? Idk. I just really want to disappear. Maybe coma? So that I'll be sleeping till I die. Fuck. I want to fucking disappear in this i-dont-know-what-to-say.

Why can't I help myself? Why? Just why? I like helping people a lot with their problems, or with some other stuffs. That makes me happy. I just don't understand that why can't I help myself?

Family? Well. It's fucked up. Literally. As in literally. I don't have a father. Well, not actually. We're a broken family. Our mother is the only one who supports us. I love my mother, so much. My brothers? Nah, they always quarrel about everything, every minute. Why can't we just have a day, that we're all happy? No problems at all. Nah, that would be impossible.

Friends? Nothing much. I don't have any problem with my friends. I trust some. But I don't trust almost all of them. Not the kind of trust that you know. More of a trust about something. Something deeper. Sorry. I can't explain it.

Love? Idk. It's fucked up too. I guess. Nothing to talk about. Just fucked up. But I don't mind. this is only temporary.

World? I hate this world. I hate everything. Fucking everything.

What more to say? I just hope one day I'll disappear.


I'm weak. Very weak.


No one cares. No one will ever care.



I'll just go to sleep.


Bye.

Hello

I might make this my personal blog soon. ;)

Settle down

I'll just save this links here at the moment. I freakin' love these 3 mixes.

http://soundcloud.com/vongsykeo/kimbra-settle-down-lamulny (Lamulny Fields)

http://soundcloud.com/tyrdubstep/kimbra-settle-down-tyr-rodway ( TYR & Rodway)

http://soundcloud.com/paulmaxwell/kimbra-remix-contest (Paul Maxwell)

Care to hear it? You'll love it too!

Drunk driver

May 14, 2012

Around 1:30pm, me and my friends were about to go home. Since I'll be taking the other route, I'm the first one who took a ride called jeepney, I sat down in the front beside the jeepney driver. It was a very very hot afternoon. While waving goodbye to my friends, the jeepney driver also waved goodbye to my friends while saying "I love you" and with the "mwah mwah effect". At first, I thought he was gay.

On the way home, the jeepney driver was talking to me, nonstop! Asking my age, my name, even my cellphone number! I just laughed. Then there is this awkward silence for like ten minutes. Later on, while waiting for the traffic signal to go green at the Edsa-Kamuning intersection, out of nowhere he quickly turned right going to Edsa. Everyone was pissed off, including me. I'm about to say "para po Manong", but he suddenly said "Ay puta, Edsa pala to kala ko Anonas na". But still, after that incident, I still managed to get off that jeep and took another one just to get home.

Since that incident, I'm starting to hate reckless drivers whether they're drunk or whatever.

End of story.

State of silence

"They started out in love and happy it was new and exciting but their differences over time made them miserable. They stayed together making each other more and more unhappy until one day things got so bad they felt like being alone was better than being together. Once apart for awhile he starts missing her and calls but she changed her number. Then he realizes it really is over and deep down he thought she would be the one to come back in reality its him that is carrying a torch."

While searching for the lyrics of the song called Somebody That I Used To Know, I saw this as the top comment for the meaning of the song. I can somehow relate to it. Whenever I listen to it, I'm like going into a state of silence. Ignoring everyone around me, and I just want to be alone. Thinking of any possibilities that could ever happen while listening to it. Most of the time I'm getting flashbacks. I feel sad and I don't know why. Anyway, since I'll be singing again tomorrow for our workshop. I decided that this is the one that I will sing. I've been playing this song for almost 2 hours now, on repeat. It's really addictive you know. "hindi siya nakakasawa".

Introvert

"Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk."

I like being alone most of the time. Exploring my thoughts and feelings. This is also how I reflect on my problems. I don't always confront my friends to give me advises. I'm not emo for your information. Yep. I consider myself an introvert person.